12 June, 2012
Plane to California... again
Oh, God. I have managed to go a whole month without
getting behind on my blog, and now look at me! Two days down the tubes. I’m
well aware that I am terrible. What is wrong with me???
In my defence, it was our last days in
Pennsylvania, so my thoughts have been more than taken up with packing the mess
that had cascaded over the edge of my suitcase, and saying good-bye to all my
friends. I never got to see Jacob or Grace, and that stings. I know it will
sting them more when they realize. Though, I have no clue what’s going through Jacob’s
head. I had his email, had contacted him with a list of times and dates that
might work to meet up, and he completely ignores me, and doesn’t answer my
email. What is it with me? Why do guys always avoid me like the bloody plague?
Am I that unattractive and clueless? But that is three for three of boys that
were supposed to email me and didn’t. I'm the only common denominator, and apparently I can't take a hint.
Just briefly, we went to WildWood nature reserve, which was nice, but sad in it's way. They're in the middle of a drought, so the water level is down so much, and there were no animals other than birds, squirrels, and bugs.
Anyhow, it was so hard to say my farewells today. I miss
all my friends in PA already, and I never got a chance to properly say good bye
to Olivia, which hurts more than the good bye would. Not that it is ever easy.
Saying good bye to Robyn was sad, as she's a mentor for me and leaving her reminded me a lot of losing my mentor here when she went to Uni in Wellington.
But, to see the pain and betrayal in a friend’s gaze as they know it will be the
last time you meet in... another four years for us. I can’t miss this much
school again, and it’s exams for the next few years, so my big holiday will
have to come after I’m out of college. I mean, I abandoned my friends once
already, left them behind as I went on to adventures many and unknown. Now, I
have to do it again, travel far away, leave them to the will of bullies and
bomb threats and the big, wide world.
I mean, I was Kira’s only true friend; I’ve known
her since she was two years old, for crying out loud! She is my oldest friend.
Now, to hear her sniffling, fighting back tears, as I hug her farewell, knowing
I am leaving her behind for the second time... It’s not an easy thing to do.
I just can’t explain it in any way that will do my
fledgling intelligence justice, I’m afraid, so please just bear with me for
now. I’m so tired and so stressed and so miserable that I can’t really think
straight at the present moment, but I promised a post every day, and I know
that promise was broken yesterday, but it won’t again. I swear.
Oh, God. I’m crying now. This is a great turn of events,
and I’m liable to short out my keyboard. This is just fantastic. I’m so weak.
And, the cold, pressurized air in this bloody winged tin can of a plane makes
my damp face sting and freeze.
I don’t want to leave America, but I want to return
home... but, being here has been amazing and my friends are here, not just NZ,
and now I am so confused and hurt, and I don’t even know where “home” is for
me. They say that “home is where your heart is”, but how does that work when your
heart has been thoroughly rent in two??? Both places hold friends that are very
dear to me, both are places where I have lived and breathed and created
memories, both have sentimental reason for my attachment. Why am I so torn? I
didn’t expect this, and I don’t want it. I hated my time in the States, as a
whole, because of what the thugs at my school did to me, but take them out of
the equation, and I just have the affection for my friends left. And, THAT
means a lot to me.
I know that reading this will hurt friends in NZ, but
please, don’t be offended. I wouldn’t be torn if I had not been homesick for NZ
and the people in it for this whole journey. I’m actually looking forward to
school now, to being back in a steady routine, classes, rehearsals, practise,
homework, nationals for choir that I need to focus on with the whole of my
mind. That’ll be the only thing that succeeds in returning my mental state to
how it was. Expect me to be completely bi-polar for a while after I get back.
Just a warning now.
To add insult to injury, the plane, a 757-200, had a
malfunction with the fuel valve, so we have to stop in Denver, Colorado on the
way to San Francisco, adding another hour and a half to our trip. So, instead
of getting to Jayne’s house at three in the morning, it’s gonna be half past
four. And, I’ve spent the last hour on this dumb thing hoping like hell it’s
not just about to fall out of the sky. It’s midnight now, hence my tired,
dishevelled and generally grammatically mangled and uninteresting post. Sorry.
I have to repeat, please bear with me. I also haven’t eaten since half a
sandwich at lunch, so I am seriously running on “Low” here. I got a Sprite on
the plane a while ago, so I have some sugar and caffeine to keep me going for a
little longer, but that’s just making me more of a jittery, prone-to-tears,
nervous wreck.
I feel so despondent and lethargic. I’m usually good on
very little sleep, so I doubt it’s that. I just can’t place my finger on what’s
causing me to do my head in, so I better settle down and try and get some sleep
(like that’s really gonna happen). We’re all going to be nightmares tomorrow.
I won’t write good night or good bye, as that will be too
depressing, so...
See you all in less than a week,
Rachel
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